kerap kali...

kerap kali ku mengadap PC di rumah ini..
aku jadi kosong [bukan bulat macam donut tu, tapi kosong "empty"]

cerita 1

amad: kak, kak pakai la seksi sikit, baru ramai orang suka kat akak.
[amad, adik bongsu aku, tiba-tiba bersuara]
aku: apa? aish. siapa ajar ni? Dosa tahu tak?
amad: ala, bukan seksi sangat pun, pakai macam kat rumah.
aku: amboi, ni pengaruh TV ke apa ni? aish. ingat sikit dosa dan neraka.
[tegur aku kepada adik aku yang ber-idea nakal yang baru berumur 6 tahun]
amad: hehe. ye ye. toksey toksey. amad gurau jer.
aku: banyak la gurau!.
adehhh

cerita 2

sekarang ni adik aku, ili aisyah, is hospitalised due to stomach problems. x-ray showed her intestine was occupied by so much feaces because she cannot deficate properly which caused her to vomit off all her food right after she'd eaten them. Just now, i received a call from my other sister, amni, who accompanied ili at the hospital, telling ili has vomitted again after several hours of being healthy. yesterday, she'd been dripped of 4 bottles... anyhow, i wish her being well again.

cerita 3

sekarang ni aku sibuk dengan satu program kesihatan yang juga mampu untuk menjana pendapatan. aku masih merangkak dan masih mencari kekuatan untuk meneruskan business ini.

ianya sejenis networking business yang memerlukan aku untuk mencari business partners dalam menjanakan profit yang tinggi. kawan aku yang introduce USANA ni kat aku sudah mendapat income +- RM2000 seminggu. wah..

tapi bukan itu yang aku kejar. aku lebih suka akan menguwar uwarkan productnya yang betul-betul hebat yang mendapat pengiktirafan no.1 dunia.
siapa yang berminat, contact aku. ohya, system perniagaan ini di jamin halal oleh badan-badan agama Amerika dan pegawai di JAKIM sendiri ada yang menyertai program ini.

apapun, aku memang sibuk.

cerita 4

kepada rakan-rakan aku yang mendirikan rumahtangga dikala cuti sekolah ini, aku mohon sejuta kemaafan kerana ketidakbolehan aku menghadirkan diri kerana jarak yang jauh dan tidak mendapat permission dari parents, apatah lagi bajet untuk ke sana. maafkan aku.

cerita 5

itu saja setakat ini. update pantas kerna mahu bersiap ke hospital. aku mungkin terpaksa membatalkan appointment aku demi ke hospital. siapa tahu rezeki ku di mana. terserah kepada tuhan, Allah yang Maha Memberi Rezeki.

Cinta ini membunuhku!

aku suka sangat lagu ni. Perasaan ni macam aku pernah rasa dulu. selepas aku putus (tak kapel pun sbb masa tu baru sesi nk upgrade relationship dari kawan kepada special sikit, ale2 jd lawan, whahaha!). in fact, aku tak pernah pun kapel. stakat teman tapi mesra je. tak nak ah kapel, aku tak percaya pada diri sendiri. keh keh keh

aku tak pernah rasa se-serius ini dengan sape2 pun. huhu.. masih mencari dan menunggu mR.right.

bukan aku mahu sangat pun to be in a serius relationship, tapi mak, ayah, adik2, sedara2, maksedara2, kawan2 mak .. adehh senang cite, sume org lah di sekeliling aku tanya bila nak bawak balik, buat kenduri and all. adehh

pernah sekali, adik aku yang laki (muda setahun dr aku) tanya:

"ca, bila nak bawak balik abe ngoh nye??"
"hah?, bile kite ada abe ngoh? sape?" [blurr, sbb dia tanya out of blue]
"alaa... abe ngoh laa"
"adehh.. sabar la.. bakpo? nok main bola skali ko?"
"hehe.. bukey, nok main badminton, nok smash atah dai(atas dahi)"

erk!
whahaha.. adehh laa.. sabar la ye sume, aku ni blaja pun belum habes.. ade satu sem je lagi.. blaja pun lama sungguh, 6 years, kuar SPM trus masuk course ni, nasib baik ada scholarship gov, senang hati sikit. apa tak nye, 6 tahun beb.. kawan aku yang amik medic da jd docter da pun. whuhuhuuh

okeh. berbalik pada topic cintan, aku dengar lagu ni, rasa rindu pulak pada kepedihan Cinta. sesungguhnya, ia adalah satu nikmat.huhu. ya lah. life is full of suprises; be it kebahagiaan or kepedihan. they're all nikmat of how well we handle it. i'm sure we'll learn a lot from those experiences.

ape pun.. layann... kalo nk karaoke, ni ade skali lirik! ^-^

D'Masiv
Cinta Ini Membunuhku

kau membuat ku berantakan
kau membuat ku tak karuan
kau membuat ku tak berdaya
kau menolakku acuhkan diriku

bagaimana caranya untuk
meruntuhkan kerasnya hatimu
ku sadari ku tak sempurna
ku tak seperti yang kau inginkan

reff:
kau hancurkan aku dengan sikapmu
tak sadarkah kau telah menyakitiku
lelah hati ini meyakinkanmu
cinta ini membunuhku

bagaimana caranya untuk
meruntuhkan kerasnya hatimu
ku sadari ku tak sempurna
ku tak seperti yang kau inginkan

repeat reff

p/s: update pantas sebelum mandi ni pagi yang sejuk ni.. wahhh best nye hujan gini! hehe

tiada tajuk

kerna tiada entry

whahaha..
saya nakkk sangat update my blog, tapi tidak ada tulisan/hujah yang mampu saya sampaikan pada dunia. huhu

ni mungkin penangan semalam dah last paper untuk sem 1 year 4 saya ini [malas yang teramat!]. uhh.. 1 more sem to go! dan insyaAllah, saya jadi cikgu praktikum sejurus menamatkan final exam next sem! huhu ^-^

da lama tak jadi cikgu. dulu, masa 2nd year, cuti panjang, saya bekerja sebagai cikgu sandaran-tak-berapa-terlatih di salah sebuah sekolah agama swasta di kampung saya. huhu.. kampung saya adalah sebuah kampung yang bandar.. i loikkkee!! ngeeee

ok, cerita pasal masa kat sekolah ni, saya rasa happy sangat mengajar.. tapi selalu masalah dengan admin. menciiii !! hurm, best kan kalo tak payah nak deal banyak dengan admin. adehh...

apa pun, ajar budak budak sekolah rendah sangatlah seronok [walaupun kadang2, tiba2 rasa tak seronok langsung! wOha!] ada satu masa tu, oleh kerana condition kelas tu yang crowded, saya tak sempat nak control kelas [dan saya masih baru!].. melihatkan ada beberapa orang murid saya yang keluar kelas sambil tergedik mahu main2 bersama rakan taulan, saya pun panggillah diorg masuk balik kelas.

"masuk, masuk saya kata!"
"ala teacher..."

dan ada 2 3 orang yang lincah, berlari2 hingga ke padang! saya dengan berani memarahi mereka dengan nada menyindir + warning benda yang hebat bakal berlaku jika tak paham arahan [nak buat macamana, ni cara mak saya tegur kitorg adik bradik..ngeee]

"haa.. pergilah keluar.. pergilah kalau berani!"

budak tu, dengan confidentnya berteriak ke dalam kelas,
"kawan kawan, cikgu suruh keluar main kat padanggggg! jOmmmm!"

sap!
zap!
"hahhhh??!!"

aku terus terkesima akibat mengeluaran beramai2 kawan2 mereka daripada kelas tu. maka, aku yang masa tu bertudung labuh [note: jadi teacher kat skolah rendah agama], terpaksalah berlari sambil cover line memanggil puak2 khianat itu untuk masuk balik dlm kelas!

fuhhh!! penat wei. kenapa la diorg tak kasi aku subject PJ je?? mane taknya, berkejaran di tengah padang di kala matahari tegak di benak kepala dengan kanak2 riang seperti mrk! terasa muda pulak [dan aku memang masih muda].. wOha!

haha. teringat balik itu semua, aku boleh gelak sorang2. tapi taklah sampai berdekah2 seperti selepas baca entry dan komen2 di blog Sifu Yoshz dan Mr.Jime! whohoho

apa pun, hari ni.. aku pikir nak kemas rumah sebab malam ni InsyaAllah balik kampung. Semalam gi beli tiket kat Melaka Sentral sebaik habis je my Last Paper this sem!! yey!

nota kaki: budak2 tu darjah 3, dan itu kelas sume laki! adehh.. pernah baju kurungku terkoyak sebab meja mereka diadakan paku yang tak jelas fungsinya! adehh..

nota tangan: aku tergerak nak tulis pasal cikgu yang tiada tajuk ni sebab kagum dengan cikgu Padelkopak!

huhu ^-^

kenalilah akoo dan kamoo..

You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor.
Aristotle

Seeing what the saying says.. hurm.. for me, to get the courage to do something risky and extraordinary needs a lot of thinking and strategy. so that we'll not be falling apart. everything has to have back up plans. It's all about how much you understand your ability is.. and how much you want to push yourselves to the limit.

I love challenges as at the end of the day, I find myself learning something about me, how much am I able to do things, to handle thing [my self-efficacy] ...

As Albert Bandura puts it, "The most effective way of creating a strong sense of efficacy is through mastery experiences. Successes build a robust belief in one's personal efficacy. Failures undermine it, especially if failures occur before a sense of efficacy is firmly established."

And how much I can sustain and remain motivated to conduct things through self-regulation and self-control.. as Wikipedia.com puts it as "many processes individuals use to manage drives and emotions. Therefore, self regulation also embodies the concept of will power".

hurm..

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
Dale Carnegie

yeah. I want to feel that too. I remembered winning GOLD medal for Sparring and Pattern Routines during my Taekwondo years back in school and also when I served as Programme Manager handling Tesl Community Weekend comprising ALL TESLians from Universities around Malaysia, I'm ecstatic! I'm beyond happy although thru the times, mostly I had to endure the pain but in the end, it pays a LOT. i'm not talking about money here, but more to the satisfaction that I CAN DO IT! I'm thrilled even to think about it! :D

and this Winston Churchill continues to convince me that,

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Winston Churchill

you have to be optimist in whatever you're doing. hurm.. sometimes, a little of pessimistic is necessary to keep the thinking going for the plan B, if in case. It's not like we're wanting and waiting for the failure but just to keep our conscious thinking regulates, and make us realise to be in state of realistic and NOT too much of idealistic.

and then, Picasso added,

Everything you can imagine is real.
Pablo Picasso

erk! Hurm.. memang la. We need to think forward so that we did not stuck in a comfort zone for too long, because it may result to the scenarios of laying back, doing nothing, just like what some teachers do [from what i heard].. they are lacking in imagination, imagination to teach their students better, understanding students mischieves and realising their potentials.

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
Benjamin Franklin

sebab cikgu or the knowledge transmitter never realise that what Franklin says is true and that's very unfortunate.. :(

not all teachers are like that and for STUDENTS who failed to perform their roles as a STUDENT, mureed who WANT to learn, also lacking in imagination, of HAVING DREAMS to become better, they dont even recognise their own potentials, how others could? hurm...

as this fella says,

We are born weak, we need strength; helpless, we need aid; foolish, we need reason. All that we lack at birth, all that we need when we come to man’s estate, is the gift of education
Jean-Jacques Rousseau

YES! Education! Because education gives human wisdom, paradigms to look upon. and thru education, human can realise their own potentials and work towards it. Sebenarnya, susah nak sedar yang kita punya harapan yang lebih baik nun in the future, because we're too scared of failure. It's better we stay put rather than try something new and these scenarios i see a LOT in Malays including me.. the very me. BUT, the drive to enjoy things differently come about through a societal layer called FRIENDS, PEER.. COMRADES, COLLEAGUES and other various names but carry one and only role, as HUMAN's COMPANY..

They brings out a different us in us. when we're with friends, we acted BOLDLY and sometimes STUPID or baka as japanese puts it, but we didnt afraid to fail because we know we have the support we need. we gain the courage and trust and keep ourselves regulated healthy enough as we are capable of REALISING our own POTENTIALS.

as this famous Muslim philospher puts it,

Manusia yang paling lemah ialah yang tidak sanggup mencari teman dan yang paling lemah daripada itu ialah yang mensia-siakan teman yang telah diperolehinya.
Imam Al-Ghazali

BETUL! manusia memerlukan various kinds of social layers so that they can accumulate their potentials from different angels. we have to make full use of our friends, [note: it's not like taking for granted] as human is developed best true mastery experiences. friends is different from family. we do NEED them both in order to develop better and move to another step, level of life, by trying something new.

but in order to become BETTER person, we need to appreciate them and play also a ROLE of a good and trusted friends for their benefits of becoming a better person too. GIVE and TAKE, that what friends are about. we have to be sincere and put trust as the MOTTO for the friendship. idealistic, aite?

hurm, reality is, terrrrrrrrrlalu ramai kawan makan kawan. kenapakah? that's what i said earlier, TRUST. To generate trust takes time, but it worth it! serious! we all, obviously hated betrayal, aite? as well as stab in the back etc.

Tuhan Maha Adil dan Maha Mengetahui. itu semua ujian and petunjuk dariNya to make us STRONGER to the challenges and hurdles ahead. percaya atau tidak, manusia memang akan belajar melalui kesilapan. tak kiralah the hard way ke soft and smoothe way or anything, yang penting, manusia mempunyai daya pemikiran kritis yang developed resistance "alah bisa tegal biasa" and pemikiran kreatif to come out with strategies to steer the wheel of life out of the tsunami..

as what this man says,

Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.
Dale Carnegie


so, kawan2.. let's make a difference!
[or even differences maybe??]

we have our own potentials
jangan sia-siakan hidup

semoga kita di hisab di Padang Mahsyar kelak
sebagai Mukmin yang sejati
mukmin yang fully utilise what GOD has given you
your unique talents,
your true ability

make full use of it..
kerana ALLAH
dan
ketahuilah kawan2,
ALLAH gives that to you,
for/with reasons..
the most obvious one is
because He LOVEs you..
so, try to appreciate the Love He gave
by loving Him back..
by utilising it for the benefit of yourselves and others
try to look for His Love in Your Soul,
it's called The Light

So, make it Brighter, my friend!
^-^

Letter to the heart...

Dear Miss Nisa,

Sila Study.
Jangan Pikir Panjang~~
Just Study + Doa ...

Be Strong,
I know you can!

Dearest,

Mr.Nine

I HAVE TRUST IN YOU
so,
YOU MUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

******************************

hurm,
ok x untuk motivasi diri aku ni??
esok first paper..
hurm
i MUST Believe in MYSELF..
Ya ALLAH, gimme the strength and drive..
to steer my study + life wisely

Permudahkanlah untuk hambaMu ini
Ya ALLAH, Maha Besar lagi Maha Mengetahui
^-^
=-------------------------------------------=

p/s: Mr.Nine is a product of mind-made.. whaha

masih mencari identity??

[exam mode]

aku masih mencari identiti. mencari sebab aku belajar. aku seakan2 lupa, pada motivasi yang pernah aku ada sebelum ini. ntah mengapa, diriku terasa tergapai2 di awangan..terlalu berkecamuk, terlalu berserabut..

aku perlu kepada ketenangan, ketenangan utk memberi aku masa untuk berfikir. isk. pabila mendapat ketenangan, aku terus tidur. ape daa.. hurm.. mungkin bukan ketenangan itu [suasana hening, diam and sunyi] yang aku perlukan. ketenangan hati. hati ini sentiasa hiba. ntah mengapa. sentiasa berusaha mencari tumpuan. tapi payah. kawan-kawan? masing-masing sibuk dengan masalah sendiri. ntah. mereka seolah menjauhkan diri [owh, jgnlah aku pikir negatifff]. tidak. mereka tidak mengelak, tapi tak nampak kegusaran jiwa aku melodak kembali. waduhh..

takpe. lupakan apa yang menyakitkan.

teruskan dengan usaha ku untuk memotivasikan diri. hurm. motivasi diri?? ade ke? hurm..
aku da lupa.. yang apa yang memotivate aku dulu ialah "semuanya kerana ALLAH dan untuk MakAyah aku"

as simple as that. tapi sekarang, rational aku menikam-nikam dari belakang bertalu talu.. menghalang my ketenangan untuk mengecapi keindahan MOTIVASI aku itu. kenapakah? hilang nilai murni dalam diri? atau terkesan dengan suasana yang agak sukar di bumi Melaka ini? apakah?

mudahnya aku goyah dengan kelemahan aku. mudahnya aku dipesongkan dr dunia ILMU. aku lupa, dulu aku amat suka pada ILMU Allah, dan sekarang? aku alpa nestapa. ntah kenapa. mungkinkah kerana aku DIAM? dulu aku hidup di kelilingi kawan-kawan pengubat duka, penghias tawa. tapi sekarang? aku hidup di dunia aku. dunia maya bergelar blogger. [tak pashal-pashal blogger dipersalahkan, da xde sgt ke subject yg nk di attack?]

erk! bukan itu maksud aku. aku maksudkan.. betapa lemahnya motivasi diri ini..
aku tidak nampak pengorbanan mak ayah untuk aku teruskan belajar bersungguh-sungguh. kenapakah?

aku pun mula mencari.. mengetik-ngetik mouse and keyboard. mencari mood. dan aku ketemuan. ku saksikan. ku berlinangan. ku menangis. aku tengok iklan petronas. untuk deepavali 2008 kat sini.

sedih. teringat mak ayah. Ya ALLAH, pinjamkanlah aku ilmu Mu, Ya Allah. berkatilah aku. aku mahu belajar. Maaaaaakkk Ayyaaahhhhh....

balikkkkk

petang. lepas kelas.dalam bilik.
i was busy with phone calls [to and from my mom], and
YM-ing in search for confirmation bias of my wishful thinking.

it's not like a true wishful thinking but rather, thinking of going back to KB on that very moment, thinking to take a bus that night, so that i can reach home by that morning.. aduhh.. for the weekend!

hehe. I want to spend my weekend at home..erk! can it be so? hurmm..
i looked around, i see all my housemates were asleep.. so surely i cannot asked them what they think the best for ME! haha. i always had this problem, i cannot decide for myself, not after gathering enough evident and information that satisfy both, my rational and emotional sides.

that day, emotional runs high but rationality tried to keep up and up!!

"ehh.. mane blh balik.. tak worth balik.. abis kan duit je.. da la tiket surcharge xturun2, lgpun balik wikend je wei. sampai pagi sabtu, ahad malam da nk gerak balik MLK"

hurm.. then a YM pop-up showed that my dear ex-rumate back in UIA online! waaahh.. yey! i can ask for her opinions then! [opinion ke?? i think its more to confirmation bias]
so she responded as the way i want her to..

"ko ni mcm tatau je kite. kalo da rs nk blk, blk je weii. xyah pk panjang"
"owh.. eh? kalo mcm tu, jap, aku g tgk tiket"

not long after that,

"Jun, akoo da dpt tiket, blk mlm ni. ko xblk ke??"
"akoo? takpe, akoo da OK lps ckp fon ngn my mum td"
"owh.ok. akoo siap dulu ye"

then, i called syazzy, hantarkan ke Melaka Central. from there, i took trans bus .. reach KB at 540am.

my mom and others from Matrix UIA Nilai Campus reached home at about 8am. huhu.. i managed to see those faces i left for about 2 weeks, rite on raya the 5th.. huhu

so much so, all my family members gathered at home, including my big bro, oni-chan, who lived in pasiag gudang leaving his wife at work. huhu ^-^ he went back home to help my sister, Anis, to move out from Matrix Campus after finishing 1 and 1/2 year there.

akoo suke..... all 10 of us got back together. altho for a short time :D
hurm.. the next day, we went to Hospital Jerteh. my mom was really... really concerned about his younger and only brother, who was diagnosed for cancer earlier this year. so i quickly finished my assignment and soon, after taking our breakfast, we all rush there.

seeing my uncle in that condition, make my heart sink into emotion. a month before, i saw him recovering.. and at that moment, he stayed in my house. for a month, i can hear him jokes around, promising this and that if he ever gets better, i still can see his smiles and hear his giggles and guffaws.

we really had a good time when he was in my house, altho he was on the bed, lying and sometimes sit straight... i love when he sees future better.. back then. i still remember his words of becoming better person if he is cured. you are the best! that's why you cant be better! you are the best!

i love your jokes, you brightened up our day altho u're fighting those cancerious demons!

when we got to the hospital, he was like living in his own world already. he lost lots of his hair. since wednesday [and that's was 4 days before], his drip hasnt been stopped due to dehydration. owh. my beloved ayohngoh.

and yesterday..the sad news reached me. he was at the edge of his life. and later that evening, he passed away. innalillahiwainnaillahiraji'un. alfatihah.

i was shocked cuz the image of a month before keep emerging in my mind. he said with strong will.. that he's going to walk again. he said.. he want to be better. he said... he'll do whatever it takes to get better. but, Allah's calls is greater. at least, he had fight for his life. at least, he had the will to changed for the better.

p/s: i hope everyone around learn from him. no matter how ugly this life for you, remember to strive for the best!

i remembered when he started from scratch of having his own rubber estate. it was when i first entered the matriculation college in Kuala Pilah. he is happy, living in a very neat mediocre life. altho he works as policeman, that doesnt stop him from indulging in his unique hobby, RUBBER TAPPING..

i consider this as a unique one because many did this job out of searching for money, not because they liked it. hurm.. then, after he found the trees near the area of his house in Johol, he tried consulting Chinese guys or any other tokey who do not know how to organised their estates. so, he started to tapped for them. after that, he managed to get to buy [i think] those estates. now, arwah owns his own workers who worked for him... for his hobby .. best kan?

my late uncle also is a very generous person. he doesnt know how to upset people. he was so kind to us and he loves and respects my mom and my dad soooo muchh.. i love him for the love he held to my family. i love you uncle.

i hope u'll be between orang2 yang beriman dan bertaqwa kpd ALLAH. semoga jasadmu di jauhi seksa kubur. sesungguhnya, kehadiran mu sungguh bermakna. semoga berjumpa di syurga nanti. InsyaALLAH.

p/s: smoga keluarganya tabah menghadapi kehilangan mu. dan belajar untuk menginsafi diri. kerana kita bukan hidup untuk selamanya. dan kerana kita hidup untuk Allah S.W.T.

ingatlah, dunia ini adalah tempat menanam dan menuai ibadah.sesungguhnya, hasilnya akan dihitung di akhirat kelak kerana akhiratlah dunia yg sebenar Allah janjikan untuk kita. semoga kita saling ingat mengingati.

"semoga arwah pakcikku dan kita semua tergolong dikalangan ahli syurga-Mu, Ya Allah". Amin.