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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

depression.. memakan diri

** update pantas yang mengarut

this is the second week of schooling. i dont feel any tension in this school, but somehow i feel that i am suffering a depression. everyday i must take paracetamol and everyday i felt sick. and sicker towards the end of the day. and then i caught asthma. somehow it choked me while i'm sleeping.

and it was yesterday, the last pair of paracetamol left for me. i remember i quickly run my fingers on the numbers and dialled my mom's. and she didnt pick up her phone. i was thinking to ask her of whether she spoke of me or so, and i was back at my bed, trying to sleep. i need to get some rest.

Before that moment of choking, about 1 hour before, my sister called when i was about to hit the bed from school. i remember talking to her saying, ''i was not myself, that i am so tired i really need a rest and i will call her later''.

and then the choking.

I went to bed that night around 1030 p.m after watching 'So you think you can dance" which I dont think so and the nighmare began.

this particular nightmare consists of vampires; things that i LOVE to see in movies ONLY, and the fact that they entered my dream scared me off!.. and when they are about to attack me and my family, the vampire called MALIKA (is it the name in Cucu Betong?) attacked them first, and we're saved.

It was a 300 movie setting where they only uses arrows to attack and conquer. I vividly remember when my family members were surrendering when they blurted off their arrows. they hit us and some of us are dead. I even said to my parents that I love them the most and we shall meet in heaven. and there i was, holding my youngest brother, who is a little younger than he is now. He is a mere corpe, his neck and air flows had been attacked severely. I held his body. and then, when we were asked to read the verses of bible and what not, my brother read out loud the Quranic verses. they were mad at him but I quickly asked my brother to read in his heart. then, they were being good with us, some of them said to me to bring my baby brother who is still alive, well, merely, to the hospital which is quite far. They asked me to say that he sprained his neck whatsoever.

and then I saw, my uncle who actually planned all this. He had said that it is dangerous for us, the family members to come here (somewhere on the way to some place)... but we insisted on going before the tragedy of attack happens. He betrayed all of us. He couldn't even do anything. He only said he warned us.

and then i woke up, it was 430 in the morning. and i tried to sleep again, to find the peace to the nightmare..i felt the sad air of leaving. and i still remember, 1 of my family members asked when I say, "it's okay, we shall met in heaven. have faith in God", he said " but you're not married yet?!" .. isk, that is not even a question at the moment of that kinda death... it's a war!
my answer? i said, it's okay. i'll get married in Heaven. insyaAllah. :D

well, it's my nightmare.
and i have to conclude, i'm suffering a depression and affected my eating habit. hurm, i know i'm stress over monetary problem, but at least 2 problems were solved. first is the Bank Islam Cheque Deposit thing and the other is about my PC motherboard. alhamdulillah.

now, i mean today, i must gather up power and spirit particles of my loss hope so that i can happily end this week. :D

Ya Allah.. permudahkanlah untuk ku, kedua ibubapaku, ahli keluargaku, guru-guruku, sahabat2ku, dan kaum muslimin dan muslimat yang bertaqwa kepadaMu. Lindungilah kami dari kejahatan diri kami sendiri dan musuh2 kami, mala petaka yang tidak diingini, azab kuburMu dan azab nerakaMu, ya Allah.
Selamatkanlah kami dari ganggungan Jin dan Syaitan dari luar dan dalam.. amin..

12 comments:

MatekuMerah said...

which uncle??haha..i wonder..hurmmm

merahjamboo said...

nisa...are u okay?the main problem with depression is most people are not aware that it is a medical condition and not simply 'lemah iman'/tak ingat tuhan /layan prasaan sangat etc...
it really is a psychiatric disorder and there are medications for it..do go n see a doctor if u think that's the problem..

take care dear
xoxo
pja

~ indah ~ said...

matekumerah : haha. just simply an uncle..

pja : yeah. i know abt depression. i've been exposed to so many medication and anti-depressant. i was diagnosed of migraine for 9 years which now is a history. =) i can say i'm well aware of it.

ehehe. now i'm happier, after i wrote my nightmare.. feel lighter.. :D thx for ur concern..

^__^

sushi_me said...

indah....i kind of feel what u feel....be strong kawan...jage diri mu bebaik...

bout ur dream...im into it till the last part...not married thing...hahaha..di situ agak lawak skit. kind of lite up ur bad dream..neway..papepun.. i wish for ur happiness

~ indah ~ said...

su : thx. u always there for me! and i feel really2 great about that! :D.. wish for ur happiness too ^_^

owh. dat part mmg lucu. sempat lg org tu tye, "tapi u xkawen lagi!?!"

concern btol org tu psl diri ini.. tapi tatau sape yg nanye tuu

stu_comot said...

oh no3..part paling lucu is this one..--I went to bed that night around 1030 p.m after watching 'So you think you can dance" which I dont think so-- so cute n so comell..
btw, wut r frenz for..inda senyap je skrg..if things seem quite hard for u, ill be gladly lending my hand.juz reach me k..even tho owg senyap je, owg still ade nih..uve helped me a lot..so me helping u--not a big deal at all..be strong!!

~ indah ~ said...

stu a.k.a bya: ehehe. part tu aku ske gak. ade ke "so u think u can dance". aku xbajet pun aku blh menari. lending ur hand? takpe2. hand.. no. may be ear blh kot. ehehe..

meh turun kb. kasik gempak!

stu_comot said...

huhu..nk sgt g kb..jumpe indah..nak3..tp kalo boleh xnak la die ade kt umh time owg kt sane..wase xbesh la..huhu..err..nk g chinese new year bley? nk naik cr-indah.kekeke

kecik said...

aiyo kakak. mengapakah sangat stress? apakah sudah jadi?
harap anda sihat2 saja ya.

p/s: kita memang comel. hiks

zHafHarIna said...

salam knisa..hope dis will not be published.first of all, zha nak mtk maaf for wut had happened.sorry sgt2 on behalf of him..he ws juz out of his control and blame it on me..it seems 'sorry' is the easiest way to be forgiven rite? i juz dunno wut to do.i kept silent cz i dun want it to be even worse...sbnrnya,zha mmg xde niat pn nk attack sape2 tru blog..mmg xde pon entry which might sound sceptical.if u think there is,plz let me know..zha gune blog pon bkn utk sktkan ati sape2..hope knisa xbnci zha......

chumly said...

I enjoy my dreams both good and nightmarish. The depression not so much. You seem to have a good outlook, try to keep smiling you deserve it.

~ indah ~ said...

bya: meh la. si.ar.vi biase2 saje.hehe

kecik : sy stuju!

zha: knisa tak reti nak unpublish. ehe. takpe2. it's ok. knisa oke je ngn za. cuma xske ble mamat tu masuk campur hal kitorg.

chumly: ehehe. i will keep smiling.. ngeeeee :D