running away ..

i was hard for me to put details into words. it really was.
my life was rather complicated. my dreams could not yet be achieved; taking up master course, get married and be happy!

working life is so much different when i was studying. it turn me around like cream in food processor. and being 25 and single doesnt do me good. i dont have that enough strength to face and even avoid all my friends' sort of happiness. i am happy for them but when i reflected on me, i was afraid of dying alone. i dont want to be someone who stay alone for the rest of my life. believe me, turning 25 struck me hard in the face.

with all the questions and assumptions of me having nobody yet bothered me so much. the black thing grew inside of me, making me so damn sensitive to even a little remark about my crediblity would break me hard. my heart collapse, splashing into tiny drops of black glass. i was easily moved and tears would stream down like waterfall on my cheeks.

my self worth and self-esteem were like cracked eggs. it bleed not blood and it stink! in my heart.

i am always thinking of being envy for someelse's good being. ahh.. it would be so good to be able to go overseas, to UK, and all sorts of places with beautiful pictures, travel around, go to Mekah, with their family and love ones.

i'm jealous indeed, ... am i not thankful? i have great life, great family and friends, great job, and i'm still not happy..

i'm searching for the he who would bring my eternal love from God. where is he?

please, where are you?

thinking of these.. all these.. makes me feel like running away, leaving everything, release my soul and die alone.
Noooooo!! it wont solve the problem, but i want a way out. i'm stuck in me, i hate when i felt the jealousy.. i want to be happy.. and accept that everybody has their own lifepath and fortune..

heart... heart... hurt.. a lot..
cure me, save me.. love me.. dearly..