running away ..

i was hard for me to put details into words. it really was.
my life was rather complicated. my dreams could not yet be achieved; taking up master course, get married and be happy!

working life is so much different when i was studying. it turn me around like cream in food processor. and being 25 and single doesnt do me good. i dont have that enough strength to face and even avoid all my friends' sort of happiness. i am happy for them but when i reflected on me, i was afraid of dying alone. i dont want to be someone who stay alone for the rest of my life. believe me, turning 25 struck me hard in the face.

with all the questions and assumptions of me having nobody yet bothered me so much. the black thing grew inside of me, making me so damn sensitive to even a little remark about my crediblity would break me hard. my heart collapse, splashing into tiny drops of black glass. i was easily moved and tears would stream down like waterfall on my cheeks.

my self worth and self-esteem were like cracked eggs. it bleed not blood and it stink! in my heart.

i am always thinking of being envy for someelse's good being. ahh.. it would be so good to be able to go overseas, to UK, and all sorts of places with beautiful pictures, travel around, go to Mekah, with their family and love ones.

i'm jealous indeed, ... am i not thankful? i have great life, great family and friends, great job, and i'm still not happy..

i'm searching for the he who would bring my eternal love from God. where is he?

please, where are you?

thinking of these.. all these.. makes me feel like running away, leaving everything, release my soul and die alone.
Noooooo!! it wont solve the problem, but i want a way out. i'm stuck in me, i hate when i felt the jealousy.. i want to be happy.. and accept that everybody has their own lifepath and fortune..

heart... heart... hurt.. a lot..
cure me, save me.. love me.. dearly..

guruku tersayang..terima kasihku..

hari ni aku down gile. penat otak. sebab tadi supervisor observed aku. and aku tak perform. arghh.

eventhough she said dont take it to heart, there's still room for improvement bla bla. and me, chilling out on the surface said "it's okay madam. i'm learning. if no one positively critics me, how can i improved". hebat bukan? iye. my rational mind speaks out clearly at that time. but i was enticed to follow my heart. to scream out loud and release all the tension.

but i can only let my tears went down my cheeks when she left. but not in front of others to see how fragile i am. i'm not mad at the lower marks, i am mad at myself, for not able to give clear instruction, provide meaningful lesson as in correct grammar teaching. hellooooo! i'm an English teacher and i did not master English Grammar. come on la nisa. get a life!

tu lah prasaan aku le aku marah kat diri sendiri. aku kalo marah kat orang, aku blh rationalise balik and try to avoid them including NOT talking or seeing them so that i dont live in hatred, tapi bila aku marah kat diri sendiri (selalu gtu), cane aku nk buat? cane nk lari dari diri sendiri? cane taknak pikir pasal diri sendiri? hurm...

thanks farah yayum, arjun and ksya for your soothing talks and efforts.. it helps me a lot. ^-^
although i believe in my own concept of reverse motivation (will do better next time only if i'm better than others, not lower and if scored lower, i'll discard the effort and forget about giving any), i try my best to regain my SELF-RESPECT.

anyhow, credit to kaksya who showed me a song OST in laskar pelangi on appreciation to teachers from students. the songs really showed naivity and sincere. with that song, i remembered my students' faces who were satisfied in every lesson and happy and eager to learn from me .... in every following class i had with them. they came to me excitedly, asking what to learn next.

Regardless of my lecturer saying stuff for improvement (which i reckon needed for my own sake and will do something about it), the welcoming faces of my sweet little children will motivate me to create an interesting yet meaningful lesson in each period.

so, lets enjoy the song. hope your get the idea im seeing and saying. and dont forget to say something for me to go on in my teaching. i really2 need that. hope u guys can give me some pushing motivation. ^-^

Guruku Tersayang

pagiku cerahku,matahari bersinar
kugendong tas merah ku di pundak
slamat pagi smua ku natikan dirimu
didepan kls mu menantikan kami

guruku tersayang guruku tercinta
tanpamu apa jadiny aku
tak bisa baca tulis mengerti banyak hal
guruku terima kasih ku

nyatanya diriku kadang buat mu marah
namun segala maav kau berikan

slamat pagi smua ku natikan dirimu
didepan kls mu menantikan kami

guruku tersayang guruku tercinta
tanpamu apa jadiny aku
tak bisa baca tulis mengerti banyak hal
guruku terima kasih ku

nyata diriku kadang buat mu marah
namun sgala maav kau berikan

guruku tersayang guruku tercinta
tanpamu apa jadiny aku
tak bisa baca tulis mengerti banyak hal
guruku terima kasih ku